inner beauty pants

I’m wearing the inner beauty pants this evening. There were called for
to give me courage and a reminder of much love and people who have
faith in me. I felt lost today, and very useless.
Teaching was so encouraging last week, but today I felt trapped in the
bureaucracy of the place. They schedule the staff meetings during
class and just let the children run around. And teachers go at least 5
minutes, most 10 minutes, late to class. And my classes are 50 persons
per class. And my guard is trying to bribe his way into university
because he has no other choice for an opportunity to get more
education. To say the least I was exhausted and trying to hide from
the world. And the worst part of it was that I knew I was
intentionally withdrawing. I hate that, when I intentionally do
something I dislike doing and feel helpless to stop myself.
But I’ve had a change of heart. I came outside to hang out with my
evening guard (the same one who is trying to get into university) and
then put on the inner beauty pants before writing you two an email.
I love you lots and miss my roomies. I hope your first week of classes
has gone better than mine. You are in my prayers and in my heart. I
miss the life at school, but part of me knows that I meant to be
here. If only for the forced rest. I’m not sure yet if I will follow
in love with this place, but I am here and I need to stop being afraid
of the unknown.
My guard is playing his guitar and singing about telling the truth and
sharing the good news. That is something I want to do here. Because
the scriptures I hear them reading are not the life giving ones that I
believe in. And the message that some churches take from the bible and
following Christ have nothing to do with the life of servitude and
humility I have chosen. I can understand argueing militarism, I get
that man can claim superiority to woman, but I don’t understand using
scriptures about modesty (head coverings) to define every part of a
woman’s life, but using them to accent woman’s vanity. I don’t
understand the claim that following Jesus brings material prosperity.
The God I serve is one of plenty, yes, but not one that gives out
earthy prosperity like a pleased dictator.
But there is still hope here. Hannah and I had a conversation with
Videl (our guard) about prosperity and what it means. And also
different ways of interpreting the text. And about the justice system.
It was refreshing. There are good people here, willing to listen.